Have I Got News For You: Stephen Mangan mocks Piers Morgan
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Piers Morgan has frequently come under fire for his controversial views. Yet the 56-year-old endured the ultimate humiliation when one listener on Jeremy Vine’s BBC Radio 2 show revealed he’d had his face printed on his colostomy bag.
The mischievous listener, known only as Dave, explained on October 26: “They suggest getting a picture on the bag to humanise it a little bit, and I had Piers Morgan! I won’t explain to listeners the obvious reasons why…”
Yet Piers displayed a fighting spirit in response, writing back in his latest column for the Daily Mail.
“I assume it’s because I’m a very effective antidote to people who are full of s***,” the not-to-be-defeated broadcaster bit back.
Piers told at the same time of his sibling rivalry with younger brother Rupert, revealing an occasion when he’d missed out to him on an opportunity to party with England’s top cricketers.
It should have been a memorable night for the passionate cricket fan when England sailed past Australia to victory, winning the “greatest Ashes series of all time” in 2005.
Yet a bitterly disappointed Piers recalled how he had “inexplicably” agreed to appear at a book signing 120 miles away in Birmingham that evening, leaving Rupert to party with sporting hero Freddie Flintoff in London to celebrate the win.
“I’d taken Rupert to a mate’s hospitality box, which overlooked the players’ balcony,” he explained.
“As the historic victory loomed, Man of the Series Freddie Flintoff, looked over to us with a massive grin and made a frenzied beer-drinking signal, shouting: ‘It’s gonna be a big one tonight, boys – see you later!’” Piers revealed.
Yet it was not to be – and while his brother and the cricketing team sipped champagne, he was languishing in a less than luxurious Holiday Inn.
Even worse, his phone continually lit up with alerts from Rupert that he was “on the lash with Freddie and the boys”.
“‘Bruv, it’s amazing here,’ he texted me at midnight from the team’s lavish hotel,” Piers recalled, “as I sat sulking in my room.”
“When I got back to London, the Evening Standard front page featured a large photo of Mr Flintoff, drunk as a skunk in the hotel bar,” he continued, “And right next to him was the unmistakable blue shirt of my brother.”
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“His head had been cut off, but it was him all right, and IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME – for 16 years I’ve struggled to put the dreadful scars of that calamity behind me.”
Meanwhile, there was more humiliation in store thanks to the sharp wit of Freddie himself, when he was asked to provide a message to celebrate Rupert’s 50th birthday.
Piers was forced to read out the less than complimentary words as part of his congratulations speech.
“The night after the final Ashes test in 2005 was probably the best of my life for many reasons,” Freddie’s account explained.
“Obviously, beating the Aussies for the first time in 18 years, and I did all right, but mainly for having the correct Morgan brother at the celebrations at the hotel.
“Although Piers has put 100s of hours in over the years buttering various players’ a**es to try and be part of the inner sanctum, that night he was nowhere to be seen.”
He continued, “Instead, there was the great man Rupert Morgan, his younger, far better looking and more charismatic brother… while we celebrated the finest Test series in history together with fine champagne, even finer French wine, beer and cigars.”
“Meanwhile, Piers was in Birmingham signing copies of his latest book about the comings and goings of Simon Cowell and a plethora of Z-list celebrities,” Freddie joked.
Finally, he told Rupert to “just be happy in the knowledge you’re not Piers”.
Yet there was little sympathy from the public, with one commenter exclaiming, “Imagine the worst day of your life sad because you missed a good party….how sweet his life must be!”
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